A Troubled Kid Soon To Be A Mother

It's work-at-home Monday, as usual, and I should be taking this opportunity to study as my final is next Monday. My head feels like going to explode so I can't really do that right now. I'll go shower first (oh, I love Mondays!) and see if the headache subsides.

But first, a quick blog update. I've been thinking of this for a few days so I need to get it off my chest.

I had a quite tough childhood. Not as tough as the unfortunates but not as easy as the lucky ones. Nobody would actually understand the feeling except for my dear siblings. Whom I feel had it worse than I did.

My parents got divorced when I was 13 so I stayed with my mother. My aunt came and stayed with us together with her children. My mother was away a lot. At 1 point, she was in London for 3 months straight. It had to be done because she needed to look for money for us to survive. I understand that now but growing up without her was kinda..I don't know. Nothing good.

My parents were fighting for custody back then so my father was always looking  for faults in my mother's way of our upbringing. Based on what I see now, I'm not too sure if that was ever true.

Having a young uncle did not help either. There was one Raya, my mother was away but we still went back to her kampung. I'm not too comfortable to follow my father as I'm not close to my cousins on his side. My young uncle said to us,"Look at the poor orphans. No parents on Raya day".Everytime I think of that moment, I crumble. I think that affects me the most. I remember it very clearly. Well I know that my uncle was just kidding but to hear it as a kid was devastating.

There were a lot more issues with my parents growing up that somehow led to me not thinking of marriage seriously in my early 20's. Now that I'm married and pregnant, I only have 1 goal. I have to make sure that my kids do not go through the same life as I did. I can't be away from them and I will not drag my kids into an argument between my husband and I.

Whatever happened, I do love my parents but we learn from mistakes. I hope I remember this in the future.

The Lie About Nausea

Before I got pregnant, I've always believed that the nausea will stop after the first trimester. Then when I got pregnant, I started reading about it. Now they say it depends on the body. For the unlucky ones, they would feel it the whole 9 months.

At my 15th week now, I feel like my nausea is getting worse the past 2 days. I've never vomited but yesterday, I had to ask my friend to stop the car so that I could get out. If I stayed, I think I would have.

Last night, again I almost throw up. But nothing came out. Today, I feel the same.

Ya Allah, please give me strength to go through this. I am grateful for your blessing but I need more strength.

Panic Attack

I'm listing down what we need to get for the baby and while typing down "Baby Thermometer", I suddenly panicked. Oh my God ! I gotta take care of another human being! A baby ! ME ?!

I'm the eldest of my siblings but I've only helped making milk for my sisters and brother. Nothing more than that. Can I do it ?